Growing up I had a horrible fear of heights. It seemed any time I would walk up a flight of stairs, walk across a bridge, stand on a balcony, or near a mountain’s edge, fear would grip my heart. My pulse would race and invariably it felt like something was pulling me down to the ground.
It was one of the worst feelings ever.
As I think back, I wonder if my phobia began at our community pool... I remember one summer when I was still in elementary school having had a traumatic experience on the high dive! As a child I absolutely LOVED to swim! In fact, my mom told me I would often jump out of the car and run to the pool...leaving her screaming and chasing after me. She was sure I was going to jump into the water before she got my “bubble” (name for my life preserver) firmly secured around me! I guess it just never occurred to me there would be a reason to fear the water.
Until...one terrifying day when I was convinced by some friends to jump from the high diving board.
I remember I started my climb with such excitement...but then about half way up, I happened to glance down. Gulp! I had never been that high before, and the excitement quickly drained from my little body. I slowly continued my climb and then took my first step out onto the diving board. Panic literally consumed me. I desperately tried to take a couple more steps but found myself completely frozen in fear. The sparkling oasis of fun that I had been splashing and playing with my friends in only moments ago...now looked SO far away!!!!
I felt my stomach rise to my throat.
I swallowed hard, “I CAN’T do this!!”
I looked back at the ladder hoping for a quick escape only to be greeted with frustrated voices yelling, “Hurry up!" and, “Jump, scaredy-cat!” I’m sure I was only on that diving board for seconds...but it felt like an eternity. Sheepishly I carefully backed up and asked to retreat down the ladder. With great disdain I was allowed to make my way down to safety…..step by step, sharing a rung with each child that had patiently climbed to their ‘waiting place’ in the line. It was simply HORRIBLE!
My fear of heights never got better. In fact, I would say it got worse over the years. Every time I went higher than about 10’, panic would set in and that nagging sensation that I was being pulled down would overtake me. It truly was a terrifying experience!
Fast forward to my 20s. Life had become beautiful!
I had committed my life to Christ and
my faith was growing exponentially!
I was seeing people healed, miraculous provisions, relationships restored...I could believe God for pretty much anything. Well, except that fear of height thing...I just couldn’t seem to get past it.
I was a few years into producing Christmas Productions with my partner in crime, Marianne Cook. I had come a long way from the ribbon dance that first year (see my earlier blog, My Journey: Arts, Excellence, and the Church for more explanation!) and we were now producing full-length stage productions that encompassed MANY artistic expressions.
One particular year we had dreamed up a crazy stage set that would accommodate my crazy vision…
We needed a set that would allow for more space than our sanctuary platform was able to provide. I had already convinced the leadership to allow me to remove the front pews for the orchestra, promising to replace them after the show, but this did not help with the necessary space required to accommodate our choir, dancers, and actors.
Then, we came up with this great idea. Since we can’t build out…let’s build up! I know, I know… what I was thinking??? (smile) The designs were eventually approved and the building of the ‘tower stage’ commenced. Fortunately, to save time, we were able to use some stage pieces we had from our earlier dinner theatre productions. They were 4x8, 40+ pounds, and we decided to stack them one on top of the other and then bolt them together.
This stage was going to be massive…
and sturdy!
Our next challenge was time! As the show was to take place in the church sanctuary, we knew we couldn’t begin our build-out until after services, the Sunday before the shows. That gave us only two days to get everything constructed before we needed to start our run-throughs.
Our first day of set up went really well! We had a great group of guys show up and they were able to stack and secure all of the stages. (Not an easy feat, by the way.) When done, the stage was about 8 foot high. Our welder had also created a 12 foot frame which he attached to the floor of the stage, making the final height of our set reach about 20’ into the air! I had plans to attach a sharkstooth scrim (an open weave material used to produce special effects) to the frame.
It was going to allow me to create some really cool theatrical vignettes during the shows, and I could hardly wait to get it hung up the following night.
Well, as they say, “the best laid plans….” I had expected our volunteers to begin arriving around 6pm, as they had the night prior. 6pm came and passed...as did 6:30 ...then 7 ...then 7:30. “Oh dear!...where was everyone???” I had done everything I knew to do...and all that was left was hanging that scrim.
I looked at the clock again. What was I going to do??? There was NO WAY I was going to climb up onto that 8 foot high stage, climb an A-frame ladder to hang a scrim on another frame that was yet an additional 12 foot in the air!
8pm arrived and panic began to set in...
Time was quickly escaping!
The scrim HAD to be up for the run-thru the following evening... or things were quickly going to start falling apart. I must have stood and stared up at that platform for at least 30 more minutes before I mustered up the courage to start my climb. An open platform 8 foot in the air ...a 12 foot frame…a step ladder, and fabric.
I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so
hard in my life.
I slowly and cautiously made my way to the top while I fought feelings of déjà vu! When I finally arrived, I just stood there with memories of my high diving board trauma swimming through my mind. I was literally shaking. I looked toward the doors…”Lord, please have someone walk in right now...in Jesus' Name!!!” Nothing. I looked at the ladder next to me, the fabric in my hand...and then up at the looming 12 foot frame in front of me. I felt sick to my stomach.
In order to hang this fabric, I was going to first have to attach double stick velcro to the frame. This would require me climbing the A-frame ladder and then stretching what felt like a mile out into the air in order to secure the velcro! I’m not going to lie..
.I just had a small shudder run through me as I remembered that fear overtaking me so many years ago....
The bottom line is that I knew it HAD to be done...so I just started praying in the Spirit.
I told the Lord, “I’m the only one here...you’re going to have to help me...and I’m going to do my best to trust You.” I still can remember each rung on that ladder. I still can remember leaning out... while looking down the almost 20 foot to the floor...and resisting that recurring, strong, pulling down feeling...
I remember praying the 91st Psalm, ”Lord, you’ve given your angels charge over me…” I remember asking the Holy Spirit to help me take my thoughts captive. I remember declaring Philippians 4:13, that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I prayed in the Spirit, declared scripture, and worshipped! It was the longest two hours of my life... but I got it done!!
As I finished attaching that last part of the scrim, I remember suddenly realizing I wasn’t having that “pulling down” sensation anymore!! I don’t know when it happened exactly, but somewhere in the midst of hanging that scrim, fear had left! Not only was I no longer afraid, I actually had joy!!! I climbed down from that ladder and 10’ high stage that night...tears streaming down my face....healed and set free from my fear of heights. It was my FIRST Christmas miracle!
What I discovered was this:
When I’m obedient, and place my
faith and trust in God, all kinds of
miraculous things can happen.
That truth has never left me and has in fact become a launching pad, or diving board (smile), for many encounters with God that have both freed and filled me!
I had trusted God, and stepped out onto the water (smile)...and Jesus had met me there. And not only had He met me there...He had healed me… No more fear!
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
2 Corinthians 10:5 (NKJV) “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”
Philippians 4:13 (NKJV) “I can do all things through [a]Christ who strengthens me.”
Psalm 91:11-12 (NKJV) “For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone.”
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